Sunday, June 22, 2008
A few days ago,
I was feeling rather down after an argument with one of my loved ones.
I was really upset,
until I chanced upon this very interesting article posted on Seng’s blog.
After reading it,
I was vibrating sooo darn hard on my chair
and everything just went back to normal.
I’ve taken the liberty of posting this article here.
It’s a relatively lengthy article but definitely worth reading.
Here goes...
The Relationship Life Cycle - Women
The Courting Stage
This is the stage where years of using push-up bras or Brazilian waxing pays off.
In simplicity,
this is the one phase where women have the clear edge over men.
Being Asian and having a vagina
means that women are fed false propaganda that they need to do less than men.
1. High Independence
Women start out in the relationship more dependent than when they end it.
At this stage they will introduce several terms to men,
such as ‘going dutch’ or ‘I’ll meet you there’.
Though, men at this stage do not comprehend such terms,
because they believe in things such as chivalry and giving a good impression,
they will be impressed with women who suggest these.
A women’s independence is something men brag about to their friends
because men feel good when they know they are not being made use of.
Women might occasionally offer to pay for her own movie or meal
and will suggest taking a cab home herself when it’s late if her date doesn’t drive.
This impresses men to no end
and they will insist on sending them home anyway.
2. High Tolerance
Women have the best tempers at this stage.
You will never hear them nag at you or throw a fit over a chipped nail.
You can be late for your date and they will never yell
at you for making her wait for 10 mins.
They will always respond with a cordial civility that goes along the line of,
‘it’s okay. I didn’t wait long’.
They will also not complain about you smoking
or wanting to have more tattoos and will generally not
take extreme stances on matters too out-rightly,
so much so that you believe this women is actually easy to get along with.
Even if they get mad at you,
it will take no more than a simple apology or a joke to get her smiling again.
They will also never tell you stuff like,
‘nothing’ or ‘I’m fine’ but still be grouchy all day.
3. Makeup
At this stage where women need to market themselves,
makeup is their best friend.
It is a known fact that women usually look their best when they are single.
Even if it’s a trip to the neighbourhood mall,
they will generally never want her date to see her eye-browless
or stripped entirely bare of cosmetics.
This is the one stage women will doll up for the slightest reason,
because even if they might not be out to impress their dates,
you can never discount the chance of meeting random hot men while they’re out.
4. Waiting
Men will need to wait for women the least amount of time at this stage.
If the woman is never punctual to begin with,
this is never going to improve through the next three cycles.
Women will generally be on time
and will not make you wait hours while they powder their noses in the toilet,
lest the man’s interest turns to contempt.
5. Low Stupidity
Women are smartest at this stage.
They will know how to safe-guard themselves
from physical and emotion penetration
and will have several proxies set up to ensure they keep
the advantage on their court.
Examples of these might include,
malleable guidelines on ‘no sex on the first date’,
‘not spending lavishly on men’ and ‘no amateur porn videos’.
They will also know how to palaver you with stories that will show them
in a favourable light and leave out details,
like being a manic depressive or a potential penis cleaver.
The Honeymoon Stage
Once the woman has ascertained that the guy isn’t a child murderer
and safe to commit a relationship with,
she will start removing her barriers
and surrender to the whole notion of ‘Love’.
And we all know that while being in love is great,
it also makes you stupid.
1. Low Independence
Suddenly,
women at this phase of the relationship lose all ability to stand on their own.
They will no longer know how to make their way to meet you on their own.
Thankfully, at this stage,
their amnesia is well compensated for by men’s over-zealous
voluntary desire to chauffer them.
Women at this stage no longer need to do anything themselves and
‘going dutch’ is a derogatory term bent
to challenge their guy’s love for them.
In addition,
this is the introductory stage where some women will experience the following,
Inability to peel prawns, the need for men to carry their bags
and inability to order their own food at a hawker centre.
Men on the other hand will enjoy random surprise presents,
blowjob and sex, usually in that order for their efforts.
2. High Tolerance
Being in love exponentially increases a person’s
threshold for bullshit absorption.
Being in the honeymoon phase effectively means that
all disagreements or arguments last for 10 minutes tops
and will end with one party being apologetic.
At this stage,
women are most likely to give to men even if they are not in the wrong.
3. High Stupidity
This is the one stage women have the highest propensity
to commit to moronic acts, which they will regret in time to come.
While it is okay for couples to share many things like,
a meal, toothbrush, secrets or siblings,
there are things which should never be shared even if
you are lullabyed into that false sense of security.
Namely, passwords.
Women (and men) alike think that it is perfectly okay
to let their partners know passwords into their
Facebook, MSN or Friendster accounts.
Two words.
Big.Mistake.
4. Easy To Please
At this stage, it takes the man minimal effort to please the woman.
This is the one stage where the woman is contented
to just spend time together.
She will agree to watch soccer with you,
sit next to you while you play World of Warcraft
or any other stupid things women in love
would renounce their own personal time for.
It is common for women to punctuate every other sentence with,
“that is so sweet”, whenever the man does something nice for her.
They will gush over simple trivialities and swoon to their friends
about how wonderful their man is for folding an origami crane
or surprising her with an afternoon picnic by the park,
even if it’s under the sweltering sun.
The Maturity Stage
1. Moderate Independence
As time pass and men no longer have the
vested interest to drive half way round the island to pick them,
they will start remembering how to commute by public transport.
This does not mean that they will not let you know
how unhappy they are at the arrangement.
It is common for women to complain prior to having to travel by herself
and then show up for the appointment late and looking grumpy.
She will also then start blaming the inefficiencies of buses
or the expensive taxi fare and then proceed to bitch incessantly about
the hot sun, just till you get the hint
that this will be the last time she is ever going to do this.
They will also introduce new terms to the man such as,
‘Girl’s night out’ and ‘breathing space’.
Women will now no longer be willing to spend their entire weekend
in abeyance and sit quietly by your side,
while you button mash your X-Box 360.
They will now start to say things like,
‘I’ve got better things to do with my time’.
2. Moderately Low Tolerance
Women become ticking time bombs at this stage.
They get pissed off a lot easier and it takes a lot more just to pacify them.
Silly jokes and funny faces no longer commands a smile like it used to,
but instead women will tell you to not be childish and stop irritating them.
At this stage, women will also start to nag a lot.
This is a common phase in a woman’s life to train her for motherhood.
Nagging is a woman’s rite of passage and they are entitled to do it,
because this disease comes with having a vagina.
Women will get pissed with you,
even if you are not doing anything and will tell you vague stuff like,
‘can you do something’ or other stuff that just serves to further confuse men,
just so that they get to nag at them more.
They will litter their sentences with,
‘nothing‘ or ‘fine‘ every time they are unhappy with you
and expect you to know what they want.
Leaving her alone is wrong and trying to pacify her sometimes
gets to her nerves, because women don’t know what they want.
It is not easy having a penis at this stage.
3. High Stupidity
The maturity stage is sometimes also a bane to women
because they become normalized to a certain way of life
that they cannot fathom a life without it.
In short,
they are sometimes in the relationship because of companionship
more than anything else.
As such,
they sometimes become a sponge for bullshit and
take all the crap that men throw at them.
They do not know when to leave the relationship
and allow men to dictate their lives.
Being in a relationship makes a person stupid.
4. Moderate Trust
Women will start to check the guy’s phone messages
and Facebook accounts at this stage.
It is no longer enough for the man to say, “I’m going out with my friends”,
but will now be required to give a detailed report of their friend’s full name,
where they are going, what they intend to do,
what time he is going to be home
and if he can buy her that Prada pouch while he’s out.
It is common for women to have the loom of paranoia showering them
periodically and will go ballistic when a man says he is going home
and still not be home 2 hours later.
They will also sometimes think men are lying to them
when we say we can’t meet them because we need to work.
5. Makeup
Women at this stage will start wearing less makeup.
They will also generally tend to be less image conscious and have the highest propensity to gain weight.
All this because they believe foolishly that her man loves her for who she is.
6. Hard To Please
It no longer takes a surprise gift to make them beam with delight
unless they come with words like, Gucci or Hermes.
A frown from her now will last a good amount of time and
everything you do or say in that period is wrong.
Not doing anything to pacify her is also wrong
and causes the frown to be extended.
(I dunno why, but men don't usually understand this point!
And so, a small issue will snowball into something terrible.)
Women now have quixotic fantasies beyond the realm of men’s capabilities,
and we no longer measure up to it.
We have Hollywood romance flicks to thank for
a good percentage domestic squabbles.
Women will now start to pronounce their displeasure with ‘You’ve changed’
followed by the disguised female conjunctive of,
‘last time you not like that one’.
A short history recap of their honeymoon period will follow.
The Demise Stage
1. High Independence
Women no longer need men to be around for them.
In fact, the lesser time they have together is largely preferred.
They will start making their own activities which
involves systematically excluding the man.
They will also suddenly have an explosion of new male friends,
who will share your chauffeuring duties.
Men can forget about women buying random surprise gifts
for them at this stage and all gifts are restricted to
Valentine’s day and Birthdays.
Occassionally, she will buy you a shaver,
because kissing you is still part of her duty.
2. No Tolerance
Women at this stage will not entertain bullshit.
They are a querulous vessel that will snap at anything.
Everything you say or do will irk her and you start to wonder
if it is actually humanly possible to be grouchy every day of the month.
Women will take hours to prepare before leaving the house
and men are not even allowed to complain.
If you made her wait for even 5 minutes,
you better have a valid reason like having to bury your dog or
you got hit by a van, or she will rain a torrent flood of wrath on you
and will stop only because her vocal chords have torn.
They will always ask,
“Do you know how long you made me wait?!”.
This is a rhetorical question you should never answer,
because nothing you say matters anyway.
They will nag at you for no reason at all because that is now
the only tone she will adopt when conversing with you.
3. Zero Trust
Everything the man says is a lie and must be taken with
extreme caution and a bottle full of skepticism.
At this stage,
the woman believes that any activity her man has without her,
is with another woman.
They also think that ‘work’ is an excuse man use
just so that he can have fun without her.
4. Impossible To Please
Nothing you do is ever going to be good enough.
Randomly buying flowers or planning a surprise picnic is not good enough.
Roses are now impractical pleasantries that are a waste of money
and they will vociferously remind you that having lunch
under the hot afternoon sun is a dumb idea.
You might remind them that they used to like picnics or flowers
and they will remind you that last time,
policemen wore short pants.
Suddenly, you realize that change is the only constant
and that the woman you have before you is no longer that
easy going girl next door you fell in love with.
Welcome to reality, that’s false advertising for you.
The Relationship Life Cycle - Men
The Courting Stage.
This is the infancy stage or what would be commonly known
and dreaded by men alike, as the chasing/wooing stage.
This stage is characterized by several defining traits
which shape the dynamics of the chasing game and
the eventual foundation of what would be, a relationship.
1. High Cost
The courting stage has the highest propensity for expensive dinners.
This is the one stage where women in general,
reap the benefits of having a cleavage
and men suffer the effects of social norms,
because there is an unwritten rule that states,
having a penis equates to paying for dinner.
Men will take you out for over-priced dinner,
offer to pick you up even if you live on polar ends of the island
and will even volunteer to book movie tickets online.
Yes, we are disgusting.
They will deliver lunch to your house,
surprise you with your cravings and
legitimately be interested in what you have to say.
If they are stupid enough,
they will waste their money on flowers as well.
People subscribe to the notion
that generosity is a way to charm a woman.
Some see it as a direct interpretation of
penis size or maybe a disguise for it.
I will point you to a fact that generosity
is also a yardstick of stupidity.
2. Induced Interest
In this stage, the relationship of two people is usually skewed.
One person puts in more effort, the other benefits from it.
It’s like masturbating,
you might feel good, but your hand or that dildo doesn’t.
Men have the highest threshold of tolerance
when they are in the courting stage.
They are easy going and they will take you up on your request
even if they will under normal circumstance,
slice off their ankles just to show you how much they do not want to do it.
This is the one stage men will shop at Spotlight with you
and not have them complain.
If they are really into you,
they will pretend they are interested in cloth and glitter,
or whatever crap they have in that Mardi Gras reject shop.
If he isn’t pretending, he is gay.
If you already knew that, I am hoping you are gay too.
People will also seem to still have endless things
to talk about even after your date ended.
Phone calls are known to be chalked up in hours on a single night,
conversations will include past relationship expriences
and men will say stupid things like,
“I can’t believe he did that to you.
You deserve better“, because they believe this will automatically
unbutton the girl’s pants.
They will even pretend to laugh at your stupid jokes,
even if the punchline was so dry,
that the deaf would cut out their ears,
just so you think they are genuinely interested.
Conversations are also sometimes largely towards the girl’s cleavage.
They will think everything is a good idea,
just because they will get to spend more time with you.
They will regret this 6 months down,
but they just don’t know it yet.
I know this for a fact because I was stupid once.
She suggested a Sunday morning cycling session at East Coast
and I agreed against my better judgment,
when I knew damn well that Sunday morning sleep-ins’
were crucial for post-party hangover therapy.
3. Low Returns
The marginal returns for this stage are usually extremely low.
Expensive dinners and wonderfully planned dates
might generally get you nowhere further up
the front steps with a goodnight kiss.
Sex is generally non-existent or
if society hasn’t entirely surrendered
to decadence or sexual liberty,
and retained a dose of conservatism,
then sex could very well herald your graduation
into the next stage of actual committal dating.
Honeymoon stage
1. High Attention Spans
In this stage, men are highly devoted to you.
They are least likely to stray or stare brazenly at other women.
They are willing to spend entire weekends with you
and forsake other man duties like poker with the boys,
prostitution and getting drunk.
This is one stage men will genuinely be interested to hear
how boring your day was or hear you bitch about your colleagues,
even if the word ‘sex’ or ‘blowjob’ was absent from the conversation.
They will even offer to give you a back rub
even if you haven’t done a single menial task
except for chatting away on MSN all day.
2. High Cost
Like the Courting Stage,
men will still generally spend on women
and usually more so in the Honeymoon Stage.
Expensive restaurants are still a staple diet,
along with picnics on the beach or even sunset cruises.
They will travel insane distances,
defying the oil cartel’s price explosion,
just so that they can get you your favourite bean curd
at Rochor and Nasi Lemak at Changi.
They will also say stupid things like,
“just as long as you are happy”, when you thank them for it.
3. High Marginal Returns
Reciprocation is at its peak.
Buying flowers easily entitles you to a blowjob.
If you take out the trash,
you have a handjob waiting for you when you get back.
This is the one stage where sex comes so freely,
it’s like collecting leaflets at the Orchard underpass
or having a True Yoga session.
4. Names Of Affection
This is also one stage where ‘I love you’
is often punctuated by ‘so much’.
Pet names are also created at this juncture of the relationship
and follow a generic typicality of cuteness and affection.
Here are some guidelines to it.
A. Pet names usually have the alphabets ‘ie’ and ‘y’ at the end.
For example, ‘Honey’, ‘Sweetie pie’. Just because it’s cuter that way.
B. If the pet name is two words,
they should usually be either similar words,
like ‘Be Be’ or ‘Zap Zap’.
If not, then they are usually rhyming words like,
‘honey bunny’, ‘wormy squirmy’ or if you are a huge Lady Marmalade fan,
I will suggest, ‘Mocha Chocca Lata Yaya’,
just so you can follow it up with ‘where you think ya sleeping to night’.
C. Pet names always have a tinge of cuteness in them
as if they were invented by Hello Kitty loving Japanese pre-school girls.
It must always be void of masculinity, so you can rule out things like,
‘Power Ranger’, ‘El Diablo’ or ‘Godzilla’,
but you can consider those for your penis.
D. If people squirm while hearing it,
you know you picked a successful pet name.
5. High Stupidity
Men are also very likely to do other stupid things
like agreeing to wear matching couple’s t-shirts with a picture
of them printed on the front,
having a joint savings account or
going on holidays together to male exclusive sanctuaries
like Bangkok or Phuket.
6. Low Propensity To Argue
Arguments are unheard of in this stage.
Couples will have tiffs at worse,
because the men will usually start to lose their testicles
and give in to women the moment they frown.
Men at this stage usually do not have the interest
to make a strong opinion and will generally give in to women,
even if she says the Original two piece meal was invented by MacDonalds.
When couples have their first big fight,
then you know they’ve come to the next stage in the relationship.
The Maturity Stage
1. Low Attention Spans
Men are no longer entirely devoted to you.
You will now have to wrestle for his attention with the PS3,
Soccer on cable television and Entourage & Cabalonline.
Men will also start to make comparisons of other women with you
or more subtly, make passing remarks on random hot women.
You will also be introduced to a new concept previously unheard of,
‘Boys night out’.
Men are no longer entirely interested to hear how your day went
and will generally reply with ‘mmm’ or ‘uh huh’,
when you give your dreadfully boring blow by blow account of the day.
Men are only interested to hear if there are other men
mentioned in your stories.
Women can also forget about the back rub,
unless it’s a special occasion like birthdays,
Valentine’s day or if he hasn’t had sex in a week.
2. Low Cost
Men will start cutting down on visits to posh restaurants.
Dinner dates will now be a regular affair with hawker food,
fast food and if the woman is really lucky, Ichiban Boshi.
Men will also stop buying flowers randomly or surprise you with gifts,
unless of course there was a huge discount or that they’ve been naughty.
Men will no longer be willing to drive 30mins
just to buy porridge or satisfy the girl’s cravings.
They will instead try to lullaby you into believing that
the one across the road tastes just the same.
And even so, it might take the girl some degree of cajoling
or a flying vase before the men will agree to buy it for them.
3. Medium Marginal Returns
Sex at this stage might have degenerated
into a mechanical performance of routine.
Sex is now not so much a reward, but an entitlement.
The men no longer do things to impress,
since everything thing has become a routine
and there really isn’t a need to breach the norm anymore.
Just as long as he does not piss her off, he will get to fuck her.
4. Names of Affection
Mushy Pet names are now fragments of memories,
immortalized in text messages, birthday cards or letters.
In place of it, are simple generic call words like,
‘babe’ or ‘dear’.
It is also common for them to just use a derivative,
shortened from the actual name.
5. Medium Propensity to Argue
Men are no longer as forgiving or tolerant.
They will voice their opinions and displeasure
like there is a suggestion box going round.
Huge fights are common and men will no longer
apologize voluntarily when they are not at fault.
Character differences and similarities
are highly pronounced at this stage.
Men, having the innate instincts to avoid places
with yelling and conflict (unless he’s Bush),
will generally try to avoid an argument,
which will inadvertently piss the girl off more.
Arguments and fights are episodic and will pass over quickly.
Having recurrent bouts of heated arguments are antecedent
to the arrival of the final stage.
The Demise Stage
This is the buffer period between a possible revival
and eventual break-up.
This stage is generally short-lived, but has been known
to be dragged unnecessarily long by masochistic idiots
who do not know when to let go.
1. No Attention Span
Men no longer give a shit how your day went.
You could have broken a leg,
got fired or be terribly depressed and
they will give you the same interest they will to watching Martha Stewart.
However, they will still blow their top if you went out with other men.
Men will no longer even bother to call you.
They will say everything they need to,
over the medium of text messages.
They will only call you if they are waiting for you
and need you to hear how pissed they are.
75% of the World’s most prolific liars are in this stage.
Men will lie even about playing poker just so to get you off their backs.
2. Low Cost
You can forget dinner dates.
Men will try to meet you as little as possible
and will cite anything from work commitments to colleague’s birthdays,
just so that they will only need to meet you late at night for a short while,
or blame fatigue and skip meeting up with you entirely.
Men who cheat on you in this stage will not be pricked by guilt
so they will not have a reverberating conscience
that will lead them to Tiffany or Marc Jacobs.
Hell, they will not even buy you donuts for that matter.
3. Sex
Men will still fuck you even if they no longer love you.
Well, that’s because we are assholes.
4. Names of Affection
You will be relegated to ‘Oei’, ‘Eh’ or any other mono-syllabic grunts
and at dire times,
you will be addressed by your full name,
just so you know that they are mad at you.
5. High Propensity to Argue
Everything has the potential to blow up into a fight.
Men will tell you to shut up before you even get five seconds
into a nag of him not picking up his socks.
Men will not only ignore you,
but will slam the door or punch the wall,
just to make sure you get the idea that he is pissed,
is stronger than you and can break your neck in a fight,
while having a cookie.
Men will pick on things like,
‘being controlled’ and not being able to meet up with his friends.
They will also become paranoid if you are dating behind his back.
They will also bring up new concepts like, ‘I need my space’.
Fights can last for weeks and can start from trivialities stemming
from disagreement of movies,
leaving the toilet seat up or suggesting an abortion.
And in the finality of verbal abuses and tears,
you become smarter.
